Tears are the blood from the wounds of my soul
Ankh da Silva
2019 Ankh da Silva
All rights reserved
Author: Ankh da Silva
Translated by Scott Harris
Publishing Company: Wravensland Schreibstube
Cover: Andrea Baschke
We are using Pixabay.com for our cover pictures
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German original version
ISBN 9783968580777
It is the end of November 2019. In May of this year, I was diagnosed with cancer. Which means I will soon follow you through the stairway to heaven.
It has already been a year since the news got to me about your death. I know how perplexed I was, as I reminded myself about our planned projects together and now finding myself all alone, knowing for sure I would never get to see you again.
I had no hope now that I was alone in completing anything of what we had planned. Not even a portion of it.
This book will tell everyone and especially your fans about us. Now It is our time, and you are helping me even today as you are here with me in spirit as well as in my thoughts and in my heart. This is for many people around the world and not just in for those close to you in Brazil.
Meanwhile, I feel strong enough to talk. The shadows of the past as I call them, are fading away. I now have the strength to push forward with the plans we had in the beginning and will follow through with them now alone.
Due to the events that have happened, and certain situations that have arisen, I am now able to fulfill your wishes from that time now long ago. You told me back then that we could only talk or write about our time together twenty years after your passing. Due to the health restrictions I had and the long-lasting loss of memory it has now been 25 years.
Up to today I still haven’t been able to visit your home in Brazil. I wish I could have met the kids in your Aid project and got to know them. Your sister took your idea about “Little Bruno” that you spoke about so often and brought it to fruition, and is very active in it.
I often thought about asking your sister for all the pictures of us back then. Only for me of course! My problem is, I can’t find the courage to ask her. I’m sure it would be difficult for her to find a picture of us together with all of the many pictures of you, but it would bring me great joy!
In my hallway, I have a picture of you. It’s actually quite big and doesn't really show the race driver but the very private person you were to me. For most people, especially those who really knew you, it's a picture of the Race Driver…..the Idol! For me, it means something else. This picture is of a man, a person who played a pivotal role in my life. There hangs a picture of my friend! My soulmate!
Today your fans still remember you. Often, very often the Race Drivers of today are measured against you. Since my memory has come back more and more in these past days, I've come to be more intimate with the person you actually were for many people.
The man that most knew. I didn’t know at all!
I knew a totally different man outside of the public eye. For me, you were a big part of my life. Through your memories, I feel warmth, nearness, and security. I miss you. I would really like to see you again, take you in my arms and cuddle together. To feel you near me, the warmth of your touch, the smell of you and the wonderful sparkle in your eye after I’ve really gotten on your nerves. It doesn't have to be forever, but for just a short moment to feel that special connection we had together. That would be enough to make me happy again.
I often think about you. Even though we only knew each other for a short time and only spent a few hours together, many things bring back memories of you.
Being able to get to know you was by pure chance, but very special.
I don't believe in chance, I believe it was a Twist of fate.
This book is dedicated to my dear friend “Bleach Gino '' (which I called you), and the underprivileged children of Brazil, the Ayrton Senna foundation as well as the Cheetah Experience (An active organization fighting to save endangered species).
Even after it's my time to climb those stairs to heaven the proceedings of this book will go towards both of these Organizations.
Ayrton Senna Foundation Cheetah Experience
Ayrton Senna Ankh da Silva
I believe a statement from Michelangelo fits you and this situation quite well: “I am not dead, I’m only changing rooms. I live in each of you and continue through your dreams”!
However, I think you are too far away!
During a company event in Switzerland, I was introduced to someone from the Ferrari racing team.
A few weeks later I was contacted by this person again privately. At the time I really didn't know why or with whom he had spoken with, but for a short time, I was again speaking with people in Formula 1. The talks were not always easy for me because they were only in English.
There were really very few people that you trusted that knew about our friendship.
This was my problem too. I remembered you and often saw you in my mind's eye. Again and again, how we met and everything began. One thing is for sure. I had no idea who this man was or where I knew him from? Due to an attack on me, I lost some of my memory. My family and friends knew nothing of our friendship, and you were never mentioned in any of our conversations. You were until the Formula 1 people contacted me, the most unknown mysterious person in my memories.
They spoke with me and showed me pictures of you. I had no idea who the Race driver was, so they were really only talking to me about an unknown colleague of theirs. As they showed me the pictures, in the beginning, I still didn’t recognize you, because I only had one picture of you in my mind. At this point in my life, I didn't have any other memories of you.
Then as they showed me one of the pictures….your picture, your face, it was the picture of you in my mind's eye, I remembered you right away. The unknown man from my memories. You had the same facial expression as you did when you had turned to me once and said “Why”? The only real difference was the shirt that you wore. In my memories, you always had a red shirt on, but this shirt was white.
I asked right away ....”Who is this man”, “Do you know him”? I was so surprised and at the same time quite excited and joyful. Finally, there he was. The mysterious unknown man in my memories. My next question was, “How is he, can I talk to him or see him”? Their reaction to my questions seemed very confusing and difficult for them. They then told me that you were the one we had been talking about all along, and regretfully...you were passed away.
Happiness and pain are so close to each other in fact I felt both at the very same time.
Now I have so many questions! All of the pictures they showed me and all of the stories they told me about you I now saw in a different light.
Over and over I kept asking myself how this could have happened to you. Then I saw the video of your accident. I have no idea how many times I’ve now watched this video, but it seems so unreal. Sometimes I hope that it is not really you in the accident, not the man from my memories that died there that day.